


Make it Right

by FKAErinElric



Series: Cas and Dean a love story [13]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Canonical Character Death, Castiel Has Feelings for Dean Winchester, Castiel looks for forgivness, Dean Winchester Uses Actual Words, M/M, Spoilers for season 14 episode 18 absence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-12
Updated: 2019-04-12
Packaged: 2020-01-12 07:20:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,417
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18441737
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FKAErinElric/pseuds/FKAErinElric
Summary: Castiel tries to makes everything right between him and Dean.





	Make it Right

**Author's Note:**

> Spoilers for epsidoe 18 season 14.
> 
> I really, really, wished that Sam let Cas hug Dean at the funeral. I also wanted Dean to apologize to Cas for saying he was 'dead' to him. Thus is how this fic got born.

            There was a heaviness in the air of the bunker. The sadness and regrets hung in the air like the clouds in the sky. Castiel sat on his bed in his room head in his hands. Everything was going terribly wrong again for the Winchester family. Jack had killed Mary either by accident or on purpose the angel was not sure. The guilt weighed on Castiel’s grace like a bag of rocks. He did not know how much longer he could carry on with this deep sadness within him. He had dealt with feelings like this before. It wasn’t the first time his errors caused a family member to lose a life.

            He ran his fingers through his dark hair. What was he to do now? Dean was most likely angry at him and he couldn’t blame him one bit. Sam didn’t even want the angel to comfort him during the funeral. The lack of physical contact, however, made Castiel hurt worse. His grace his very essence craved Dean. He rubbed his arms and silently wished he could hold Dean and let him know how sorry he was.

            He listened to the silence in the bunker. Now that there were only three of them again the bunker felt eerily quiet. There was no sound from Jack’s room. No The Who records playing or a movie playing on his TV. No sound from Mary’s room and there would never be again. Castiel listened for the Winchester’s hoping he could hear them but there was not a sound. He decided his best course of action was to check on them. He was too depressed to try to lose himself in TV or a book and he had to talk to someone.

            He walked out in the hall. His eyes fell on Dean’s bedroom door. He reached out to it and stopped. If Dean was in there then there would still be the high chance that he was angry with him. Fear washed over him; he didn’t want Dean angry at him and he understood he had to let the man cool off first. Dean had a tendency to speak without thought and would toss careless words at the angel when he was upset.

            _“If something has happened to her, you’re dead to me.”_

He frowned at the memory. He was most likely ‘dead’ to Dean. He looked to Sam’s room he had spoken to him before their mother’s funeral. He headed to Sam’s room and stood outside and listened. He could hear the subtle movements within. He knocked on the door quietly and Sam opened it. His eyes were red-rimmed it was clear he had been crying.

            “What’s up, Cas?” He asked softly

            The angel looked up at Sam then cast his eyes downward. Shame filled his vessel he could see the sadness coming off Sam in waves and it was his fault. If only he had told them sooner than their mother might still be alive. “I came to check on you.” He responded his gruff voice also quiet.

            Sam ushered him into his room. There was a box of photographs on his desk. Castiel was unsure if they were the same ones from before the funeral or not. “I guess I am okay.” He sat at the desk. “I’m going through the photos that mom had.” He said as he held up the box

            Castiel looked at the box and sat on the edge of Sam’s bed. “I see.”

            He gave a nod. He fished out a more recent photo and held it out to Castiel. “I’m thinking about getting this one duplicated for all of us.” It was a simple photo of them; him, the Winchester brothers, Jack and their mother. If he recalled it was taken a few months back by Maggie before everything went sideways. Sam sniffed and rubbed his eyes.

            Castiel reached out and laid his hand on his shoulder. “Sam, are you sure you’re okay?”

            He looked at Castiel and gave him a smile. “As okay as I can be for a man who lost his mother.” He let out a sigh and placed the photo back in the box. “I am just happy I got to know her, and…” He shook his head. “Cas, thanks for going to heaven to look for her. I feel better knowing that she is at peace. After everything with Jack… I mean it’s not really our place to demand people to keep living is it?”

            Castiel assumed that the question was rhetorical and remained silent.

            He ran his hand through his hair. “It’s not right. I can’t, no we can’t make that decision for her. She didn’t even want to come back in the first place. I mean she was a gift for Dean from Amara but what right do we really have to make mom live again.” He looked at the photo. “She tried to be happy for us but… I wondered if she was really was.” He looked at Castiel. “Are you okay, Cas?”

            He tilted his head and furrowed his brow. “To be honest I am unsure, Sam.”

            He nodded. He got up from his chair and stretched out his arms. “Come here,”

            Castiel got up and Sam wrapped his arms around his shoulders and hugged him tightly. Castiel felt the warmth of love fill his grace.

            “It’s not your fault.” Sam said. He pulled away from the hug and Castiel felt cold. “I want you to know that. It’s not your fault we’re all at fault on this.”

            The angel sighed and shook his head. “I doubt you’re brother sees it that way.”

            “You know how Dean is, Cas, but he… I don’t think he completely blames you. I’m not sure though.”

            “Then why did you stop me from hugging him at the funeral?”

            He sighed and shook his head. “You know how Dean gets. I didn’t want him to lash out at you or something. I…” He shrugged. “I’m tired of you two fighting. Every time you guys fight it’s like awful.”

            “I am sorry, Sam. I did not mean to burden you with mine and your brother’s fights.” He wrapped his arms around himself. “I worry about Dean. I don’t want him to be angry at me. I love him.” His grace twitched after he said the word love. Was that why it was so painful to be away from Dean?

            Sam smiled an all-knowing smile. “I know you love Dean, Cas, just look after yourself okay?” He patted his shoulder. “Go and see him okay. And if you need someone to talk to I’m willing to listen.”

            “Thank you, Sam.” And with that, Castiel left Sam’s room.

            The angel headed to Dean’s room. He went to knock his hand hesitated. What if Dean was angry at him? His grace ached he wanted no he needed Dean. He needed his forgiveness his love, his everything. He rapped on the door he heard Dean call out and he opened the door. Dean was sitting at his desk with a drink in his hand and whiskey bottle nearby.

            Dean narrowed his green eyes at him. “What?” He asked his voice harsh and uncaring.

            Castiel took a deep breath. Why did he try so hard for this man? He wondered to himself. “I, Dean, I,” He was unsure of what to say to him. Dean glared at him and Castiel felt his heart pound in his vessel’s chest. Castiel started to feel as though they had hit a point of no return in their relationship. What could he really say? Sorry I didn’t say anything about Jack which got your mother killed? He opened his mouth to speak and his eyes began to burn. His grace ached and throbbed he was not used to feeling so many emotions at once. His legs weakened.

            “Cas?” Dean asked.

            He heard the other man stand up and his body gave up. He sunk to his knees and sobbed as loudly as he could. Dean moved closer to him and shouted his name. Castiel ignored him and clung to Dean’s legs to get forgiveness. “I am so sorry, Dean.” He cried, “I’m sorry. If only I had,” He buried his face in Dean’s legs and he felt the hunter stiffen. “If I had said something then maybe we could have stopped Jack and then, then you wouldn’t have lost your mother again.”

            Dean moved his legs or at least tried to. “Cas, damn it stop.” He tried to move again and the angel clung harder. “I said stop!” He shouted.

            Castiel let go of him and backed away. His head hung low. Sorrow was all he felt. Dean was angry. He hated him and he didn’t blame Dean one bit. “I am sorry I bothered you. I’ll leave and leave you alone I know you don’t want to,” His words were cut off when Dean suddenly sat beside him and wrapped his arms around him.

            “Stop it. Stop begging please.” Dean’s voice broke as he started to cry. “Please, stop. I feel bad enough about what I said.” He nuzzled his head in Castiel’s shoulder. “I shouldn’t have said that. You’re… I don’t want you dead.” He pulled away and cupped Castiel’s face. “There’s been enough loss in this family, okay? I don’t want you gone too. I can’t… I just can’t…” He buried his face in Castiel’s shoulder again.

            “Dean, I,” His apologies died in his mouth. Dean didn’t want them so why bother. “What do you want me to do?” He offered up his forgiveness and open invitation anything to get the hunter to forgive him.

            There was a pause and Dean said. “Hold me, Cas, just hold me.”

            He felt his heart break. “I can do that, Dean.” He wrapped his arms around Dean. He felt the warmth flow through his grace. This was the physical contact he craved from Dean. He wanted to touch Dean so bad at times he couldn’t stand it and here he was holding the other man in his arms like a delicate child. Dean started to cry and Castiel just held him and rubbed his back softly and let the man cry it out. It was the best thing he could think of. Time ticked by and suddenly Dean pushed himself away from Castiel. The angel looked at him in confusion as Dean looked at him his face tear-streaked and sad.

            “Thanks, Cas,” Dean reached out and laid his hand on his. “I, listen, Cas, I don’t blame you okay.” He rubbed his eyes. “We are all at fault on this. It was a family fuck up. So don’t blame yourself.” He squeezed his hand and Castiel looked at his hand then at him.

            “Dean?” He asked softly. His vessel moved without his input. He needed Dean he needed his love now more than ever. His very being hurt even if Dean had forgiven him he still carried a pang of heavy guilt. The hunter looked at him as Castiel took his face in his hands. Castiel was surprised when he leaned forward and Dean’s eyes fluttered closed and he moved in as well. Their lips met and Castiel’s heart thudded in his vessels’ chest. Dean let out a soft moan and he licked his lips to get him to open his mouth. Castiel obliged and let Dean explore his mouth. The angel was unsure of how long the kiss lasted but he loved every single second of it.

            Dean pulled away from him, his face red. “Dude, I’m sorry I…” he rubbed the back of his head.

            He shook his head. “No, I wanted that.” Castiel said with a smile.

            He rubbed his arm. “I’d like to do that again sometime but… right now,” He got up from the floor and Castiel did as well. “I’m… about to sound like a chick flick. I’m feeling vulnerable so… let’s hold off on whatever it is we have going on.”

            “Okay, Dean, we’ll hold off.” Castiel didn’t completely understand but he knew that the other man was worried about making a mistake. He didn’t want any more missteps in their relationship.

            Dean picked up the bottle of whiskey. “Come on, we can’t do anything tonight so let’s drink in mom’s memory.”

            He nodded. “Sounds good.” He really just wanted to spend time with Dean

            “Get Sam.” Dean suggested. He headed to the door and stopped he looked over at his shoulder and smiled at Castiel. “Thanks for… letting me cry on you like that.”

            “Of course, Dean, I care about you. I will do anything in my power to comfort you.”

            He gave a nod. He opened his mouth to say something then shook his head and left the room.

            Castiel watched the hunter leave. He still felt a heavy sadness but at least now the dull ache of not being able to touch Dean was gone. His lips still tingled from the kiss. He hoped for a time that the two of them could openly express their feelings but Castiel was glad to receive the hug and kiss. At least Dean didn’t want him to die. “I love you, Dean.” He whispered to himself as he left the room to get Sam.

 

***

            Dean sat down the bottle of whiskey. He picked up another bottle on his way to the library and two more glasses. He knew that drinking wasn’t going to dull the pain but maybe it would help. He lightly touched his lips. He couldn’t believe that Castiel and he had kissed. He had always wanted to kiss the angel he just never found the right time. He smiled at the glass as he filled it up. His mother had always thought that his and Cas’s relationship wasn’t purely platonic like they made it seem. He lifted the glass and looked up at the ceiling and held up the glass. “For you mom.” He drank it down and poured another. “You were right.” He murmured to himself, “I am in love with Cas.” He had almost told the angel that before he left his room but chickened out.

He watched the angel walk into the library with his brother. He gave him a big warm smile. He hoped once this mess with Jack was over they could sit and talk about their feelings. He had a feeling that this would end in even more tears at least they had each other, for what it was worth.


End file.
